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01/16/2002 Archived Entry: "Nobody reads this"

Nobody reads this section, and that is good. Things I write are really private thoughts and have nothing to do with anybody else..........

Somebody told me a public diary isn't the thing to do, and I thought, "public diary?" then thought, so nobody reads it, I guess it can be one.

Like I can write about my dreams here, too, if I had any. But we all know I never dream. Except I keep having the one about I can't walk, my feet are too heavy or something; my muscles just can't move my legs. I keep promising myself that when I'm in this dream I'll do something about it. I keep saying, "in my dream I'll pray for help," but I forget. At least last night I was able to tell myself this is in a dream, so I can make myself go if I want to, and I picked up my legs and tried. But I was at the middle school again, trying to be helpful, I think.

So, I'd like to know the answer to something: If I teach the way brother parents, and I see that now, would I change if I were given the opportunity, or would I continue to teach that way? and is it something wrong with me, wanting to let kids grow up, or is it something wrong with the other teachers, controlling them and making them do what they say?

Whichever, it is bad for me to be different; not that I'm bad, but that it confuses the kids, frustrates them, then in turn frustrates me. I guess I'd be okay with just a few, and they were mine all day. They would learn my expectations quickly and without confusion. Thinking it is easier to be told what to do every minute than to have to take responsibility for oneself, though.

Thinking that teaching thinking goes against the grain these days when too many others want to teach blind obedience. I'm not for that and never will be and never was and never practiced it. Seems I just can't do it. So, anybody want a personal tutor? or a home-school advisor? hmmmmm...... maybe I should talk to them about that, huh? I can do that.

Why did SA laugh when I told her I'm not much of a people person?